By Heather
Thank you for purchasing part two of the Atypical Customer Guide. We have already covered the basics in part one on how to enter a store. In this continuation we are going to list the things you can also do while you are in the store.
When you walk into a store, usually the first thing you see is Returns and Customer Service. When it comes to returns, never ever bother bringing a receipt. You have such an honest face that they should return anything you give them, whether it be a rake, t-shirt, puppy, cheese burger, what have you. If they refuse don't be discouraged, just demand to see a manager. While doing this it is important to be loud and flourish your hands and arms. If the manager refuses your return be sure to lie your ass off as to how you spend thousands at their store and how they should cater to your every whim. Because remember in part one "You are the only one that matters." Be sure to tell them that they lost your business, leave the store causing as much of a scene as possible. On a side note when you come back wear a coat and large sunglasses like the matrix, they'll never know its you.
When it comes to special services, be sure to have no clue how to explain your issue when you get up there. Sometimes its just fun to watch those behind the desk try and figure out how to help you. And the moment they seem to have it figured out it is then time for you to get angry and explain to them why you are there. It teaches them how to be clairvoyant. It doesn't matter how wildly inappropriate your behavior is as long as you get what you want.
Now you may see people with children in the store that they keep track of and parent while they shop. But when you bring your children in don't you think it would be abundantly more entertaining to have them run up and down the isles, play hide and seek in and around store displays, rip open candy, climb on either the carts or the shelving? Oh I know I would! Won't the employees be entertained by their superior running and climbing abilities than those other children? Now while the employees are wowed by your children it is very important to seize the opportunity and STEAL SHIT!!! With any luck one of your children will fall and crack their head off the floor so now on top of the hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise you have hidden in your matrix coat, you can now sue the store for all its worth for your lack of parenting skills. Also if they mention anything about your parenting methods be sure to get as offended as humanly possible and fly into and ALL CAPS RAGE!
In some stores you may see mystical machines called "Self Check Outs" You can choose either to: Scoff at the cashier at the rapstand and say "I want a real person to check me out" and walk to a regular line register. Or you can say "These things steal jobs." when in reality they create hundreds of jobs to create the software, hardware, and not to mention the technicians needed for tech support phone centers and field techs to fix the machines. There is still a cashier there regardless. In the space of one register are crammed four smaller registers. These machines take no one's job from them. Or you can opt to bring hundreds of little items through self-check out and have the cashier ring everything out for you while the other customers at the other machines get stuck in the process the cashier is way to busy ringing out each and every item for you. Or you can also by pass every busy self-check machine and expect the cashier to ring you out at their computer. Don't worry if they try to explain to you that their computer is not a register, just stand there with a blank not to bright look on your face.
(This is for Kim W.)
Now when you're out in the parking lot be sure to leave your cart in the most inconvenient place as possible. This is going to a great source of entertainment for the store's lot associate. Think of as planking, but for shopping carts. You can even roll them over upside down in the middle of a really good parking space so it can be fun for other customers as well.
And that concludes this deluxe edition. We hope you have enjoyed these helpful hints.
By Heather
Welcome to the 2012 edition of The Atypical Customers Guide. First we shall cover step one: Entering a Store. It is always good to enter a store with your mind a complete blank because lets face it, thinking is WAY to overrated. Now that you are at least fifty yards into the store you've probably realized that you need a cart. You've walked such a long way from the entrance, it would be to distracting from your quest to go back to the beginning yourself to get one. Solution: Ask an employee, preferably one that's busy doing something else because they'd love the break to go get you your cart. Assisting your each and every need is what they live for. After they bring you your cart be sure not to thank them, its their job, its what they're paid for.
Now that you've successfully entered the store without thinking. It is now time to find what you need. What's that? You don't know where you are? Well don't worry, if this is the case you've done step one thoroughly by not thinking at all! Great Job. Now congratulate yourself by finding the same, or another employee to tell you were to find what you came for. But be sure they are busy doing something else, even if that means interrupting another customer because remember: You are the only person that matters in this store. No one is more important than you. You could ask them where it is and for detailed directions but why do that when they can just take you there. After they've taken you to almost anywhere you need to go its time for the third step.
Loading your cart. This means randomly tossing your merchandise into your cart. Arranging your merchandise would be in complete violation of step one and is there for forbidden. After doing this, be sure to stack your large, heavy, and awkward items on the top of the cart. You may notice that there are carts specially made for these large, heavy, and awkward items, but that would mean either pulling both carts or transferring all of your merchandise to the larger cart. Solution: Stacking it all on top.
The fourth and final step is to check out all your merchandise. Don't worry about your cart being a mess it will be like digging for treasure for the cashier. Don't worry about helping her either, this is what she's paid for. So remember, no matter how she struggles or the slightly pissed off look on her face, inwardly she's praises you for giving her something to do with her time apart from endlessly standing in the isle waiting just for you. Meanwhile, be sure to point out everything she is doing that you don't approve of, she'll appreciate the advice on how to continue doing her job better. Now that she has rung out all of your merchandise it is time to select your form of payment. If you have performed all of these steps right you will have left your wallet in car. Tell the cashier to hold your sale while you go out and get it. It doesn't matter how many people are in line waiting for you to go retrieve your wallet from your car or how long it takes because remember: You are the only one that matters. Now that you have gotten your wallet and have slid your card be sure to use your finger to push the options on the screen. Now if the options do not respond to your finger tips continue stabbing the screen with your index finger till it hurts. Once you've done this you can then use the stylus and stab the screen as hard as you can because it did not bend to your will when using your finger. Show that pinpad who's boss and strike fear into it. Don't worry about the cashier, she's more than likely happy that you're using your neanderthal like strength to strike fear into the machine and beating it into submission. After you have completed this you can then exit the store and that my friend is how to shop in a store.
You have now finished The Atypical Customers Guide. We all hope that this has been educational. Be sure to use these steps no matter what store you shop at.
By Heather
Alright, I'm going to try as much as I can to keep this post as safe for work as possible. Mind you this will be very very difficult for me because when I am this livid, I make no promises on my use of vocabulary.
Dollar Bank, if you didn't want your name and reputation squandered, you and your employees would have done your job. But since you thought that unnecessary, I will be broadcasting my experience with your company over the masses with my blog. So you can thank your lack of customer service and attentiveness for this.
Dec. 22, two days before Christmas this past year at 8am in the morning my husband gets a call. It is our bank asking us if we had a large amount of money billed to France. My husband froze and said no, no we have not. Being that we are Americans, hard working Americans, not the washed up Jersey Shore kind of Americans. Hard working Americans that television never televises. I digress, being Americans, living in America, having not even bought plane tickets to France so we are not on vacation. Being that you are our bank, you should know this and should have not allowed this charge in the first place since it is billed out of the country. The person from Dollar Bank said "Alright, then we will turn off your card and issue you a new one. We will also be sending you paperwork for the amount lost. When you receive this paperwork, fill it out and turn it into your branch office. It will be processed that day and you will have your money." So he gets off the phone with them, his nerves are shaken but he feels okay about it since the bank "said" they were taking care of it. So A WEEK of not having money in our account we finally get the paperwork. Mind you we have a car payment, car insurance, rent, etc to pay within this week because its the end of the month. We finally got the paperwork, filled it out and handed it to our branch office. Not only is it NOT processed that day, we call back and they tell us one to two weeks. So two of my credit cards are calling me relentlessly because of late charges and my school loans are sending me a delinquency notice because the paperwork is taking so long to be processed. So now the bank is responsible for my late fees because someone is not doing their job and feeding us a steady stream of bullshit.
Today Jan. 25 I go to buy a soda and my card is declined...I call my husband and he goes to look into it. Somehow there are eight overdraft fees in our account right now. He leaves early from work to take care of this. Dollar Bank says that they will "Eventually" take off two of the fees, but the rest are our fault. Bullshit!!! We wouldn't have overdraft fees if it weren't for your company in the first place!!! You can't just tell your clients you are going to do something to make them feel safe and secure after they were robbed of their hard earned money and then take care of it when you EVENTUALLY get around to it. Especially when this happens in the hardest time of the year. We were unable to give Christmas presents because of this. And the thing is, I feel guilty for it. But even though its the BANK'S fault, I feel so guilty for being unable to afford gifts. Because it looks like we are unable to control our finances. The overdraft charges weren't there all of a sudden they were strung out over a period of time and as my husband looked over it we were charged overdraft fees twice without cause. Which makes me think, how many other times this may have happened. Also me and my husband have been able to keep a good budget for months, we were getting a real knack for finances. Don't get me wrong, we are newly married couple living together and getting used to being out on our own. We've made mistakes and have worked to fix them. We haven't tried to weasel out of our mistakes, we WORKED to fix them. That is the kind of people we are.
So here you are, this is our story of now immense strain because here we are again at the end of the month when the largest of our bills are beginning to hit and you Dollar Bank have again put us in a terrible terrible crisis. My husband gets his paycheck tomorrow which will pay for rent and some other bills and I am horrified because it is still going to your bank because we have been unable to get this resolved long enough for us to leave your institution.
By Heather
Three days ago I put my two weeks notice in. I will still be working in retail but I will be managing a small store for better hours and more pay. I'm not sure how this will effect my blog posts but don't worry, I'm sure there will be just as many occurrences at this job to make funny/sarcastic posts from. My last day at my current job will be Feb. 5th. To those of you who read this that also work with me, it has been a privilege working with you. I am happy to be getting this new opportunity but sad because of the good co-workers and friends that I'll be leaving. Don't worry I'll be visiting often, because I'm way to accident prone and I'll have to fix something or other in my house. I can name five things right now that I need to do.
By Heather
Before I start, this blog post is going to sound like a lot of bitching and complaining. But in all honesty its my concerns for the future of not only my work life, my family life as well.
First off, growing up is hard. Its not hard for everyone I guess but kids that were physically, mentally, and verbally abused like I was, it gets pretty rough. I mean if you have a level head you come out of it fine in the end but its a lot better when you have a good family to come home to. So I count myself very lucky to have had that in my life. Not so much the abuse part but I did have incredible parents. The reason I bring this up in a blog about retail and maybe the entire business world in general, is that the time they expect you to spend working versus what they pay you. I hinted at this, fairly irate in the last blog. Now I'm currently 26 years old, married, and looking to start a family within the next 1-2 years. What I worry about is, I have to work full time now and if it weren't for my husband's job we wouldn't be able to support ourselves at all, even now I don't feel like its enough income because there is always something that happens to pull us back down and steal our savings. So when a child comes along, one or both of us will have to take a second job. Where do you find the time and energy to spend time with your kids? I know people somehow pull this off, but you lose so much time, time you need to spend with your kids, not only because you want to, but you need to. Those first 4-5 years are important character building years. That's when you really get to tell them between right and wrong and they listen, most times with violently loud whining, crying tantrums, but they eventually learn and start abiding by what you tell them by repeated instruction. And then they go to school with other kids that may or may not have had the same instruction and most times you have to start all over again because Lord knows most teachers aren't going to do anything because they are not paid to parent our children. And they shouldn't have to, its your job as a parent to do this. This is why teachers want all their kids on Ritalin. LACK OF PARENTING. Some kids genuinely need it, 9 out of 10 do not. Yes kids are energetic, but they all have the ability to listen.
Here comes the second problem, jobs. Jobs don't pay enough. You go to college for a career but in my case the professors lie to you about the job market when you graduate and there is nothing out there for you when you when you get out of a 4-5 year program. So here you are, jobless, with a crap-ton of school loans hanging over your head. So you take whatever you can find. And lets face it, after rent, car payment, insurance payment, school loans for both you and your spouse of which neither of you are working in your field of study so of course your not being paid for any kind of specialty, utilities, credit cards, etc. Where can you find time to raise a family. Yeah, people manage to do it, but do they really? Look at our kids today. 7 out of 10 turn out like Jersey Shore wannabees. We barely have time for a dog and here we are wanting to have kids?
The American dream is dead and has been for a while now. The government is not taking care of you, they are not creating jobs, they do not pay you for the work you put in. The only thing they and big corporations do is find new ways to bend you over and rape you. They twist things around to make them seem like a good idea but really in the long run it just makes more money for them and takes more out of your pocket. Thus making us have to work more jobs to afford the eventual doctors visit, car repairs, broken something or other in the house and so on.
Word to the wise, when you are looking to go to college, don't go for your passion. Go for something that makes you money. They don't tell you that and they will never tell you that. Because as long as you have a good means to support yourself you can always continue your passion as you go. Colleges don't care about what you go into, all they care about is that check you're giving them. They don't care where you are employed when you get out, just that your employed so they can say say that a percent of they graduates found work after graduation. They don't care if those were jobs in your field or not.
By Heather
First off I would like to say that this is horse shit. How can this place (my place of employment) say that in order for you to be full time you have to have 100% open availability and then not pay you nearly enough to support yourself let alone anyone else in your household? Because 40% of households now a days one or both spouses need two jobs to cover their expenses. Luckily this is not my case but still. My job you have to be available from 5am to 12pm. So you work full time here and you will have no time to see your family let alone have a life outside of work and that should be enough for you. Live this job, bleed this job. I'm sorry, I'm not bleeding for this company, it doesn't pay me enough.
Second, if your going to have 100% open availability like this, its better to have set hours, based on seniority of course because then people would know what they work all the time and can plan their life around it instead of this bullshit. Do we get this? NO, we do not! Instead every week I walk into 12-9pm, 5am-2pm, 10-7pm, 5-2pm, 9-6pm, piece of shit schedule. And after months of this they expect everyone to just go with it, I'm sorry, this job is not worth it to me. If I was paid for the amount of work and effort that I do actually put into this job I wouldn't be complaining, but I'm not. Because this multi-million dollar corporation somehow can't afford to pay me that much. And you wonder why turnover is so bad. How the hell have so many people stayed in this company for so many years beets the shit out of me.
These same bastards have the balls to talk about recesion? Here's a clue, pay your workers more, pay them what they deserve, because then in return they will spend money, which in turn will pick the economy up. Not the only solution and not one that will fix everything but it is a solution or at least an idea. I'm not the best political mind out there but at least I know this much. You have to spend money to make money, that's always been true. So spend money on something you know will turn a profit, your workers. Specially the ones tht have proven time and time again that they work hard all day, every day.
...I ranted and I still don't feel any better.
Oh and to the asshole that broke into our bank account and stole every penny we had before Christmas "F*** you!!!"
To the bank that took close to three weeks to put that money back into our account, lying to us saying it would be processed the day we filled out the paperwork that was sent to us in the mail "F*** you too!!!"
