Your Atypical Customer Guide 2012 part two Deluxe Edition

By Heather

Thank you for purchasing part two of the Atypical Customer Guide. We have already covered the basics in part one on how to enter a store. In this continuation we are going to list the things you can also do while you are in the store.

When you walk into a store, usually the first thing you see is Returns and Customer Service. When it comes to returns, never ever bother bringing a receipt. You have such an honest face that they should return anything you give them, whether it be a rake, t-shirt, puppy, cheese burger, what have you. If they refuse don't be discouraged, just demand to see a manager. While doing this it is important to be loud and flourish your hands and arms. If the manager refuses your return be sure to lie your ass off as to how you spend thousands at their store and how they should cater to your every whim. Because remember in part one "You are the only one that matters." Be sure to tell them that they lost your business, leave the store causing as much of a scene as possible. On a side note when you come back wear a coat and large sunglasses like the matrix, they'll never know its you.

When it comes to special services, be sure to have no clue how to explain your issue when you get up there. Sometimes its just fun to watch those behind the desk try and figure out how to help you. And the moment they seem to have it figured out it is then time for you to get angry and explain to them why you are there. It teaches them how to be clairvoyant. It doesn't matter how wildly inappropriate your behavior is as long as you get what you want.

Now you may see people with children in the store that they keep track of and parent while they shop. But when you bring your children in don't you think it would be abundantly more entertaining to have them run up and down the isles, play hide and seek in and around store displays, rip open candy, climb on either the carts or the shelving? Oh I know I would! Won't the employees be entertained by their superior running and climbing abilities than those other children? Now while the employees are wowed by your children it is very important to seize the opportunity and STEAL SHIT!!! With any luck one of your children will fall and crack their head off the floor so now on top of the hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise you have hidden in your matrix coat, you can now sue the store for all its worth for your lack of parenting skills. Also if they mention anything about your parenting methods be sure to get as offended as humanly possible and fly into and ALL CAPS RAGE!

In some stores you may see mystical machines called "Self Check Outs" You can choose either to: Scoff at the cashier at the rapstand and say "I want a real person to check me out" and walk to a regular line register. Or you can say "These things steal jobs." when in reality they create hundreds of jobs to create the software, hardware, and not to mention the technicians needed for tech support phone centers and field techs to fix the machines. There is still a cashier there regardless. In the space of one register are crammed four smaller registers. These machines take no one's job from them. Or you can opt to bring hundreds of little items through self-check out and have the cashier ring everything out for you while the other customers at the other machines get stuck in the process the cashier is way to busy ringing out each and every item for you. Or you can also by pass every busy self-check machine and expect the cashier to ring you out at their computer. Don't worry if they try to explain to you that their computer is not a register, just stand there with a blank not to bright look on your face.


Now when you're out in the parking lot be sure to leave your cart in the most inconvenient place as possible. This is going to a great source of entertainment for the store's lot associate. Think of as planking, but for shopping carts. You can even roll them over upside down in the middle of a really good parking space so it can be fun for other customers as well.

And that concludes this deluxe edition. We hope you have enjoyed these helpful hints.