Your Atypical Customer Guide 2012 edition

By Heather

Welcome to the 2012 edition of The Atypical Customers Guide. First we shall cover step one: Entering a Store. It is always good to enter a store with your mind a complete blank because lets face it, thinking is WAY to overrated. Now that you are at least fifty yards into the store you've probably realized that you need a cart. You've walked such a long way from the entrance, it would be to distracting from your quest to go back to the beginning yourself to get one. Solution: Ask an employee, preferably one that's busy doing something else because they'd love the break to go get you your cart. Assisting your each and every need is what they live for. After they bring you your cart be sure not to thank them, its their job, its what they're paid for.

Now that you've successfully entered the store without thinking. It is now time to find what you need. What's that? You don't know where you are? Well don't worry, if this is the case you've done step one thoroughly by not thinking at all! Great Job. Now congratulate yourself by finding the same, or another employee to tell you were to find what you came for. But be sure they are busy doing something else, even if that means interrupting another customer because remember: You are the only person that matters in this store. No one is more important than you. You could ask them where it is and for detailed directions but why do that when they can just take you there. After they've taken you to almost anywhere you need to go its time for the third step.

Loading your cart. This means randomly tossing your merchandise into your cart. Arranging your merchandise would be in complete violation of step one and is there for forbidden. After doing this, be sure to stack your large, heavy, and awkward items on the top of the cart. You may notice that there are carts specially made for these large, heavy, and awkward items, but that would mean either pulling both carts or transferring all of your merchandise to the larger cart. Solution: Stacking it all on top.

The fourth and final step is to check out all your merchandise. Don't worry about your cart being a mess it will be like digging for treasure for the cashier. Don't worry about helping her either, this is what she's paid for. So remember, no matter how she struggles or the slightly pissed off look on her face, inwardly she's praises you for giving her something to do with her time apart from endlessly standing in the isle waiting just for you. Meanwhile, be sure to point out everything she is doing that you don't approve of, she'll appreciate the advice on how to continue doing her job better. Now that she has rung out all of your merchandise it is time to select your form of payment. If you have performed all of these steps right you will have left your wallet in car. Tell the cashier to hold your sale while you go out and get it. It doesn't matter how many people are in line waiting for you to go retrieve your wallet from your car or how long it takes because remember: You are the only one that matters. Now that you have gotten your wallet and have slid your card be sure to use your finger to push the options on the screen. Now if the options do not respond to your finger tips continue stabbing the screen with your index finger till it hurts. Once you've done this you can then use the stylus and stab the screen as hard as you can because it did not bend to your will when using your finger. Show that pinpad who's boss and strike fear into it. Don't worry about the cashier, she's more than likely happy that you're using your neanderthal like strength to strike fear into the machine and beating it into submission. After you have completed this you can then exit the store and that my friend is how to shop in a store.

You have now finished The Atypical Customers Guide. We all hope that this has been educational. Be sure to use these steps no matter what store you shop at.